Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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