do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
