I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
