I think I just saw someone hide a body.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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