the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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