my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
