I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she looked like the before picture.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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