new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We had to coat check the pizza.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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