totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
