hotel room ftw
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
