WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
