That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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