The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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