I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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