she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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