My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
