just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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