Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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