apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We got so high we made milksteak
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize