My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
