Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
