I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
