I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
