I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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