I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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