there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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