I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
