he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
