dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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