I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
