You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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