I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
