Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
