You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
