I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
