I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
