Your mouth is God's brothel.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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