My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
