Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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