I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
BRING THE BAGELS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
