Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.