i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.