He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
