I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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