he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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