no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
