anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
