Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
