the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
