Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
