What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
