Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
