did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
