is your mom at the bar?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
